Cycles

I don’t change, so I grew.”

That is one of the most beautiful sentences I’ve read in a long time, written by a friend who is nearly four decades younger than me and who is going through processes at that young age that I didn’t even begin to go through until I was in my forties.

Wow, right?

Anyway… When I was young I was taught to hate myself, which is a very uncomfortable (painful) feeling. Pain prompts action, so from childhood I sought to improve myself – with very limited success. I put most of my effort into change, something akin to trying to ‘make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear’. I wasn’t able to take any real steps forward until I learned to accept myself as I am: Not inferior (as a sow’s ear is to silk) but different.

Accepting my differences was a good start, but then I had to ask myself, ‘different’ from what, exactly? Realized rather quickly that nothing is gained from comparing my self to social norms; it only served to invalidate what is ‘normal’ for me. Self discovery (and sometimes hilarity) ensued.

Which brings me to my point, finally: All of that which I am as a human being exists within the larger context of the physical universe, and specifically this Earth. I’ve found that the process of molding, shaping and growing is best done in harmony with my external surroundings. For example, as I’m writing this it’s winter, the coldest and darkest months of the year, when many living beings hibernate. For me that means introspection is the most valuable use of my energy, taking stock of who and what I am right now.

Which brings me to my other point: Taking a good look at the darker aspects of my being, I’ve learned that ‘dark’ is not equal to ‘bad’; they’re simply aspects of me that I don’t like or that I don’t yet understand. Grief, for example, is a ‘dark’ emotion, a natural response to loss. I certainly don’t like to feel grief, but I’ve found it’s much better to embrace the feeling, allow it to run its course, than to fight against it or ignore it. But. It’s also natural (at least it is for me) to try to bury those uncomfortable emotions, so winter is a great time to suss them out and deal with them. The process is nourishing in its own way.

Once that’s done, I can turn my attention toward where I want to go from here and in what ways I want to grow. It’s sort of like planning a garden: What seeds do I need to sew now in order to enjoy the harvest later? This gives me ample time to take stock of what ‘seeds’ I have on hand, which ones I need to obtain, and to plan on when I’ll plant them and in what parts of my ‘garden’.

Of course that’s the simplified version. Carry the metaphor a bit farther: There’s the rest of the yard that needs tending, plus repair and maintenance of the house, and so on. Most of those things are best considered and planned now so I’m ready to take action when the weather permits.

So. That’s where I’m at right now, still taking a good look at me. The seed sorting has begun in a peripheral way, but I’m not yet to the point of actually planning my garden just yet.

It would do me no good to become impatient, to try to sow seeds right now or to feel disgruntled over the lack of things to harvest at this time. Of course I DO become impatient and struggle with all that, but I can find my way back to balance, and as I become more mindful of this process the struggle becomes way more manageable.

In fact… in fact… after a lifetime of depression, I am now well into my second depression-free year, having (finally) learned to work with, not against, my own natural energy cycles and with those of the Earth’s seasons as well.

Yay me, huh?

Advertisements

Esoterica

In the last couple of weeks I’ve caught myself (aha!) internally arguing one point or another regarding things that bother me. Realized this was my brain’s way of looking for a topic to address here, which is one of things that really bother me about media in general and ‘news’ in specific, this tendency to focus on the negatives. They are, after all, more newsworthy. … Not really, but that’s the rationale behind it anyway. Having noted my own leanings in that direction, I have a better understanding of this trend. Still don’t like it.

Not enjoying how I feel when I’m forming arguments in my head, I’m gonna go ahead and talk about what’s good in my life. Or, put it this way, I’m not gonna talk about what’s ‘wrong’ with the world.

How ’bout I explain ‘pluralone’ for starters? I’ve used this name in various online communities, most of them centered on spirituality; it denotes *my concept of self — that I am more than just this mind and body and therefore one who is made of many layers: Plural one.

*As my spirituality will be the dominant theme of this blog I’d like to say up front that what I have found to be true in terms of spiritual reality may not be (certainly is not) true for everyone. I won’t even attempt to define spiritual reality for anyone other than myself; I’m just sharing my own experiences and the conclusions I’ve drawn from them.

That said, after those aforementioned ‘nightmare’ years (see my first post) I was utterly disconnected, mentally and emotionally removed from life in general, including my own thoughts, feelings and spirituality. Re-connection had been slow going until fairly recently. So here’s the good news: I’m back in touch with me, more so than before all that crud happened. I’m delightedly surprised; thought it’d take a lot more time and effort than it has.

The thing is, all that horrible stuff served me well in the long run; the experience was painful (major understatement) but … *sigh* it may sound trite but I learned a lot about myself and my spiritual reality even while I was disconnected from both. Go figure, huh?

And that’s all I’ll say today, except: In these weeks since my initial post here I’d been thinking that this was the wrong time of year to be starting something new. That’s not right, though. I can be pretty flaky at the best of times. I’d love to write on a weekly basis but I think that’s not a realistic goal. Right now suffice it to say I’ll write when I can.

 

First blog post

Oh you’ve done it now. I’ve had this account for years, even posted a few times… but then life got WAY too complicated (in an entirely nighmarish way). Deleted first posts. Lost self. Stopped caring. Disconnected.

Although the nightmare ended a little over four years ago, it’s only in this past year or so that I’ve slowly begun to reconnect. Found the formless blob of my self. Started molding me into … whatever I am now, whatever I’m becoming.

Suddenly I have two subscribers. Seems a good time to start writing again. Not very long ago I would have said I no longer had the ability to write. *turn, mold, shape* Could be a bit rough, but that’s what happens sometimes when things are handmade.